Motherhood is not ALWAYS magical

Motherhood is not always magical. 

I love sharing the magic- thinking of the good and cherishing how incredibly sweet and amazing my daughter is. I feel I've hit a real sweet spot when it comes to motherhood now, but I’ve also had many months of PPD. Though they seem distant now, I cant help but still feel the need to finally really address those feelings...
Depression, loneliness, exhaustion, lack of freedom, feeling like my life will never be the same- and it's not, but I have found a new happiness. 
And I think it’s important to share those hard things too. Because by sharing our stories we realize: 

WE ARE NOT ALONE. 

I’ve been trying to think of a way to say this for almost two years now, without coming off the wrong way- but while still being honest enough to allow SOMEONE out there who feels the same, to have SOMEONE (anyone) to relate to. 

I know that would have made a world of difference to me.

My reality:

Alright, so here it goes guys: the day of Isla’s birth was NOT a magical day. (there I said it) Nor were some days following... 

My PPD story:

To start my story, I think we need to start with the fact that: I found out I was pregnant with Isla at 14 weeks. Yes, my second trimester! I could go into lots of details on how I didn’t know, but let’s just leave it at “birth control” for now 😂 
Anyway, to say I was not ready was an understatement. And I think a bit of my depression started there... I was always that girl who actually didn’t want to hold the babies 😱 and never felt that “baby hungry” feeling everyone seems to talk about. I had so many plans that didn't involve a baby quite yet. We were in such a busy time of life. Still in school and working. Life was unsteady. 
I was excited but nervous, so nervous for motherhood... but often felt reassured by other moms telling me about how "magical" that day will actually be. The moment you hold your child for the first time, and all that pain washes away...

Well fast forward to our day. Streamed with agonizing tears, literally screaming to even SEE my baby after 24 hours of labor and 4 hours of pushing (last two of which were without an epidural). Lots of complications. 
I laid sobbing tears I was always reassured would be happy ones. 

But they weren’t. 
Those tears were painful worried tears, that actually stopped when I was finally able to hold my child. 

And thank heavens that day was a miracle and one of which I am eternally grateful for because she lived!! And I lived! And we’re here and I love her more than words could ever describe. 

So, a miracle yes.

but was that day magical? 

Nope, not really 

Now, what was harder was the days to come. I suffered for months after that day not even being able to think about my birth experience without having an anxiety attack. 

The aftermath of that “push the emergency red alert button!” kind of birth, was not only physically excruciating but emotionally as well.

Suddenly, all those magical birth videos I saw, that brought me so much comfort while I was pregnant, only made me feel a little sad. I was happy for them, but longed to feel the same- and wished my experience had gone so well. I also wished my newfound sleepless nights and completely changed life looked as happy as what I saw in others... 
I felt alone. 
Why had our day not felt that way? Why was I still sad? Was I missing out on something? or maybe I was taking this whole motherhood thing the wrong way... I just felt like I was in a dark cloud, numb, and wondered how I would ever be the same. I felt so much pain.

I was nervous to tell anyone that, in fact, that day wasn’t magical. Nor the "best" day of my life (although looking back I can see how it is now). And neither were the next few months. 
I was nervous because I had never heard it said before, and I didn’t want to seem like I didn’t absolutely love her, because I did.

I thought it was just me who felt this way... 
but after time I began to realize that I wasn’t the only one. The more I opened up to other moms, the more I realized that this stupid taboo surrounding saying anything negative about birth and motherhood, had a lot of us holding back! We were suffering alone when we really didn’t need to be! We were all in this together, feeling a lot of the same things! 


For me, months went by and I could finally feel the cloud lifting.
Yes, there were always beautiful moments- even from day one- but as days went by they definitely got much more beautiful. 
After two weeks, I felt alive? maybe
A month or so, the cloud began to lift but was still there.
and finally by six months, I was "happy" again...
But it wasn't until really now that I've felt like "me" again. Like I've finally let go of what I thought my next couple of years were really going to look like, and have actually known this is what they were suppose to look like- and HONESTLY wouldn't have it any other way! The only ache I have now, is the ache of loving someone so much it hurts. 
Motherhood is a trial but its mostly a joy.   

I think going through such a rough beginning has made me very grateful for now, but also very aware that other mom's might be living in those days herself. And so I haven't  forgotten. 

Nowadays, anyone who knows me personally knows I’m the first to admit how hard those first months were.
I sure as heck don’t want anyone else feeling alone like I did- even if it comes at cost of some old lady being shocked when I say something like, 

“Giving birth is like falling off a cliff. You can fall off and break every bone in your body-- and then somehow that can bring you the best gift in the world! BUT you don’t have to go around saying that you liked the day you fell of the cliff!” 

Or when I flat out say, 

“Those first few months were terrible... But they get so much better!” 

Yes, they may be an exaggeration- not everything was terrible! Many moments were wonderful, but I say these “blunt” things because saying them feels like a weight off my shoulders! Like this secret I thought I had to keep is being set free! 
And even more, I say them so that those who can relate, finally hear it too. 

I understand that not everyone feels the same way I do. And I'm sensitive to that as well. 
For many, those first days were actually pretty magical and absolutely amazing! And I’m so happy that you’ve experienced that! 
I also realize that for some people getting pregnant unexpectantly would be the complete opposite of a trial! And my heart goes out to you too! 

But I think something we can all eventually relate to, in one way or another, is that: 

Motherhood is hard. 

Being pregnant is hard. Wanting to be pregnant is hard. Being a mom in difficult timing is hard. We all ache in one way or another.
But we don’t have to hide it. 

My gratitude for that day is no different because I "didn’t like it". 
My love for my child is absolutely no less since I can admit it was hard- and still hard everyday- but if different ways. 

The beautiful thing I’ve learned is that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. And I want to spread that message like wildfire-- because that’s what I needed to hear. 

Maybe for the majority that light was always there, but for those like me, I’ll tell you again, it gets better! Those days may be dark, and long, and maybe even lonely at first, but don’t let other mother’s smiles make you think you’re alone. We’re all going through a lot, PPD or not. 
We’re all doing our best to smile regardless. And chances are someone else is feeling just the same way as you. 

Let’s be honest. And full of love. And grateful when we are able to see clearly haha.

But know you’re not alone. 
Speak your truth. We LOVE our children no matter what. 
We are all doing our best. We are not alone.