Lily’s birth story- a year later
Lily’s story all begins with facing off against my trauma and anxiety I was carrying with me from Isla’s birth. Many of you know that I eventually opened up to share how hard that experience was for me. But let’s just say it was not a good experience, in fact, nothing about it was peaceful, magical or anything I had been told birth would be. And I did NOT forget the pain, both the psychical or emotional, I went through. Sorry, not sorry, but it was not “forgotten with my overwhelming love for her“.
Anyway, to say I was absolutely terrified to repeat that experience would be an understatement. But I knew with all my heart that the one true sentiment was,
“IT IS ALL WORTH IT”
I wanted so badly to give Isla a sister, I mustered up all the courage I had to try “one more time”.
I wanted to avoid all the things that happened before! I wanted to go into birth naturally this time, but since Isla was such a big baby, doctors were worried the same thing might happen if we waited till my due date - which only heightened my fear.
Well, I had several dates scheduled to come in to be induced- I also had low platelets- but the dates kept having scheduling conflicts!
I had a mental rollacoaster for a week until we finally got it set for EXACTLY my due date. The longest I could possibly go.
Of course I didn’t sleep AT ALL THE night before because I was so anxious. The moment I saw the hospital I began shaking uncontrollably. I was so scared.
I prayed so hard the whole 12 hours I was in labor- I know many of you did too ğŸ˜ğŸ’— (thank you!).
Every time a new nurse came in I would start crying (I couldn’t help it, everything trigged my fear of what happened) and I kept having to explain why.
Finally my doctor came in to check me and said we could begin pushing. I literally looked around the room in horror like, “no I’m not ready!”
But my doctor and Josh held each hand, came in close, and both said, “You can do this! It’s going to be OK”
I began to SOB as I slid into position to push.
Everyone in the room, including me, were slowly gearing up for a pushing marathon to get this baby out. Hoping for at least less than the 4 hours that it was the first time.
And then a miracle happened.
Before my doctor could even put her second glove on, I screamed, cried and PUSHED HARDER THAN I EVER HAD IN MY LIFE
- and out came Lily!
Unlike Isla, she was actually placed onto my chest for one split second! In that moment I saw her eyes open and look right at me. The connection I had always wanted, a moment of actual real beauty amongst the pain. It felt like miracle. And then she was whisked away- not breathing. But I had gotten that moment!!! That one magical moment! And I think that was the very first step to begin my healing.
I want every woman to know that there is hope for healing- one way or another. There is hope for a better experience. And there is POWER in being courageous. Every mother is ♥️
