An Answer to Your Question

Well you're here, so that probably means you've just asked me the tough, tough, but oh so common question, that looks something like this:

"Hi Abby! So I'm not sure who I can turn to about a question like this, but I thought maybe you could help? I'm in love with someone but my family doesn't approve because of the color of his skin! I'm devastated because I don't want my family to disown me if I continue with this relationship, but I can’t see my life without him either! What should I do?"

I hate this question (not because you've asked it, but because it even needs to be asked) enough that I've decided to write this post; because guess what, YOU'RE NOT ALONE!

I wanted to be able to direct you to an answer that might bring you some comfort.

Although I cannot tell you what to do, maybe this can help ease your fears. I have collected many messages from others around the world who are also in an interracial relationship. I did this because as much as I want to answer your question, I can not fully do so since I don't really know exactly what you are going through...

My family was, for the most part, very supportive of our relationship. Yes, we’ve faced some racism for sure, but luckily not much from my family. Little comments here and there that come from lack of understanding but overall they allowed who I love to be my choice- and I’m grateful for that. 
Not to say there wasn't any questions- but I think some questions are good. Like to start:

The first thing I have to ask is, "Put all these questions of race aside, is this a GOOD relationship??? 
One truly worth defending?

Does he/she treat you right and love you?

Is this a relationship worth fighting for in the first place?"

I’m not gonna sit here and tell you YES, fight for this just because it is an “interracial relationship"! Just because you wanna have “cute babies” or something haha! ;)

No. First and foremost, this is a relationship. With a PERSON.

So is he a good one??

Alright, now that I’ve got that out of the way... so he IS the love of your life! Then here I go, here's my answer....

Yes! Of course fight for him. We are living in freakin 2018. It's time stuff like this is put to rest. I'm not going to say it will be easy, but in the long run your husband becomes your priority, your family... I know it's not that simple. I know it would be absolutely heartbreaking and completely unfair to have to choose between the two families, but is it worth it? That is up to you to decide.

With that said, I do believe things can get better! Especially when people are able to get to know the true character of a person- and hopefully eventually see past color.

An, older generation, family member of mine, initially, had some racist thoughts when she met my husband, but it didn't stop me from bringing him around. Eventually she got to know him, he treated her so kindly and with utmost respect, and you know what? she ended up truly LOVING and respecting him too.

It’s not always the case that it works out this way, but it is possible. 

Let your love be your choice, 
and then let your family have theirs. Show them the good in your choice by living it well. 

Don't be afraid to show your love. 

Pray and hope their hearts are changed- changed because they see you happy and then start to really see who the one is there beside you- helping you through life. 

If they don't change, you still need to be with who makes YOU happy.

Hearts can change when good hearts are involved.

And, as cheesy as it sounds, I believe LOVE does change the world. We just have to be brave enough to do so.

I wish I had more advice to give but that’s just my two cents. Hopefully these experiences from others will hit home, make you laugh, cry, help you want to go forward, or maybe not, but I hope they help you feel supported and bring some clarity to your decision:

"I met him when I was 19 and at school. It was clear when I met his parents he didn't tell them I was black. I ask before hand but he just nodded that he did tell them. But we all know the "look", the feeling of being judged. I was scholastic and a leader on campus. But I knew they were racist.

Every Christmas I get Christian rap music (I don't listen to rap, I prefer kesha), books about finding Jesus (I am religious but it's a me and God thing I don't go to church but I worship),

Maya Angelou, how a girl with dreads and was a drug addict found Jesus... (I don't have dreads and I'm not on drugs.) When I was given those books, I was told "oh we were thinking of you." To this day, they don't know me well. They excuse my skin color for my degree, and army service.

I just got married in November and that was a crap show. Most of his family didn't come. But what I always like to tell people when they ask how do you do it, I say love. He is more important to me. Hate can come from all directions including within. Love drowns out hate. And I am so in love with him. I love his soul, spirit, and no matter what I know he was supposed to be with me for forever.

I definitely didn't marry him for his family, they mostly suck eggs 😂 but I love him and he is enough. He is my best friend, confidant, Lover, and roommate for life. I'd walk across oceans and fires for him. I can't shake my skin color or the judgement that follows. But the only judgement that matters isn't in this life so I'll hold his hand and heart in mine regardless of his family or anyone's views."

-Lana

"Hi Abby. I saw your Instagram story, and it broke my heart. My husband (we've been married for about two months now) and I dealt with a similar situation. My mother berated me with hurtful questions and comments for months on end because my boyfriend was Liberian (and therefore, black). She said things such as "well, I guess you'll just be poor" and "think of how your children will be treated," etc. It was very painful and I felt like I had to choose between a potential life partner who I loved dearly or the approval and support of my own mother I would give the following advice: 1) Address the behavior and tell your family member how their words and actions and words make you feel. 2) Give it time. My mother finally came around, months later, once we got engaged. And YES, it does get better! The decision process was really hard for me, but now that we're married, we have the immense support of family and friends."

-anonymous

"Hi Abby! I read your last post, and I can honestly say that I know exactly how that person feels. I started dating outside of my race when I was 16 and it caused me a lot of problems within my family. I am 28 now and even though I had major issues with my mother I do not regret my decision one bit. I have 2 biracial children and I have always said that my children will be allowed to love whoever they want to. It will always be hard for me dealing with my mother. She has said some extremely hateful things to me over the years and that doesn't go away. But I have developed such a deep love for Christ and I know that God loves all of his children. I also know that God wants us to love everyone equally. That will be something my mother has to face. Luckily most of my family has become open and understanding, but I pray my mother one day stops living with a heart full of hate. It may never get better, but I will never regret standing up for how I feel. My sweet man and I go out to lunch every Sunday after church and we have an extremely blended group of church family. It makes my heart feel so full to know that there are good, loving people in the world that do not see color. It has changed my life developing a loving church family ❤"

-Cami

"Love the conversations going on about this topic. When I first entered my interracial (and long distance) relationship 2 years ago, I looked around desperately for resources or even just other interracial couples to learn from because I grew up in a fairly white community and felt like I was doing something that others would be shocked by because it’s so uncommon for our area. Indeed, as people began to learn about my boyfriend I received such a range of responses...I had some people who wouldn’t “notice/mention” it and then later on say something like, “So, what’s it like??” (Such a funny question, in my opinion.” Others will open up to me and say, “Wow, I so admire you, you’re so brave...” which at first had me a little suspicious, but then they would tell me how they had previously wanted to go out with or date people of a different race of color other than their own, yet their families are racist and had actually say them down and said...“You can’t date him/her because they’re not white.” Others were told they wouldn’t be welcomed as a part of the family. I’m always blown away by these stories. My family has always been so supportive (Thank God!) and we were all raised with a very broad cultural education thanks to adoption and travel opportunities. My greatest piece of advice is to hold onto the gift of the relationship, cherish the richness that comes from often extremely different backgrounds, and never ever let others speak hate/racism into the relationship. My boyfriend grew up in Haiti and still lives in what many would consider poverty, yet love is the most amazing thing in that it DOES cross all racial, cultural, and socioeconomic boundaries. Don’t let fear dictate your story. Seek the Lord for guidance and if He..Isn’t giving you a “no” then don’t let anyone else do so. Oh, and just on a practical note, have deep and continuous conversations about race—let your relationship be a safe place to ask questions, be honest, and (especially for white people) maybe face some prejudices or skewed beliefs that you may have been raised with. I know far too many close friends who have mindsets that are not helping the racial situation and they cant understand why. So be patient with others and be willing to sacrifice some relationships for the most valuable one you have."

-Ryah

"My family is not racist at all but I have friends and their parents who are and it was so hard! I still invited them to the wedding and showed I didn’t care! All there is in this world are humans. No matter nationality or color they are people too and love everyone! Makes my heart sick that people have to be so rude. And I feel his family accepted me more than ever. His grandparents love me and don’t speak English. My husband is a convert to the LDS church and his family is catholic but love us both unconditionally even though I’m white and we share different religious views. People need to be more accepting. I feel if your family is racist and you love someone of another nationality do it! If your significant other treats you like a queen that’s all that matters! I don’t look at my husband as “dirty” “dark” or “different “ he loves me and I love him. I am grateful my family is accepting. And they love everyone no matter race color or religion.  My family and his family get together for thanksgiving and have dinner together and I’m grateful for that! But I am sad to say I’ve lost friends and people I felt were like a second mom all because my husband was a convert and different color.. we have two beautiful children and will be together forever through the temple and I’m grateful."

-Kiersti

"Yes- I have been with the man of my dreams and best friend for over 3 years who is a Ghanaian. We face challenges similar sometimes - mostly judgements. I think to simply answer this question, you must follow the love and positivity in your life that helps you grow as a person, and that makes you a better person."

-Emilee

*Thank you so much to those who responded with such inspiring messages. I left out last names of people who sent in quotes but if you'd like yours listed on your quote message me and let me know! happy to add it :) Thank you again!

Photography // Angelica Parker