Maternal mental health awareness week

Did you know 1 in 5 mothers may experience a maternal mental health disorder like PPD? 

Here's my story: 

Disclaimer: I feel nervous sharing this... if you're pregnant I don’t want you to read this and feel nervous, I just want to write this incase you end up feeling the same. I want to write it for the woman who feels it now, and the woman who felt it in the past. I want to share to feel liberated and connected ♥️ please know every experience is different but they are all worth sharing. no matter what you are NOT alone 

My insomnia kept me up the night before. I was then in labor for almost 24 hrs- no food or drink because they thought I might need a c-section due to her heart rate suddenly dropping.

By the time I started to push I was already exhausted and terrified. I would shake uncontrollably every time the doctor or nurses came in. I was so scared.

I pushed for 4 hrs! 4 hours! Yes, c-section was considered many times but she was “almost” out for the last couple hours, I think (and I trust my doctor did the right thing)...
I had my epidural off for the last 2 hours of pushing. Something I never wanted.
After thinking I might just die in between each push, she finally came out after an emergency intervention.

But I got nothing. No reward for this torture I’d just marathoned through. Nothing. 

Instead I screamed and cried for my baby who had been whisked away before I could even see her. She wasn't breathing.
Still, 3 years later, it's hard to think about it. But sharing it somehow makes it a little lighter.

We were then in the NICU for the next week and nothing about this experience was “magical” or seemed like the part when it would “all be worth it”... it was NOT magical friends!
Let me say it again, my birth experience WAS NOT MAGICAL!!
And I believe it contributed to the PP depression I experienced.

I had the worst tear you can get. Insomnia kept me awake even when I had a chance to sleep. I would shake whenever I thought about the hospital. I felt alone. I wondered why I ever wanted to be a mom. I could not eat at all for weeks.

I finally thought something might be off when my husband gushed about how much he loved our little one week old. He described it as he literally grabbed his chest and said, 

“I just love her so much I feel it all through me.”

I looked at him and thought,

“I feel so much pain, I feel numb.”

I have to physically stop writing right now to collect myself. 

It. was. so. hard. 

And so lonely.

But here I am. My child in my lap, touching my face. Strong, healthy, happy. And I LOVE her more than life itself.

And you know when I started to get better? When I realized I actually had PPD and when I realized millions of other women did to. I talked to a friend. I told the truth of how I felt. I realized it was common and I found that light at the end of the tunnel. When I knew there actually was a light, that things would one day get better I walked towards it. I survived until I could see it. Then I started to live until I felt it.

It does get better friends. Talk to someone! A professional if you need it. Medication if its right for you.

There is NO shame in seeking help. There is no shame in feeling this way. You are a good mom. You will feel like you again. Hang in there mama. There are so many who understand you ♥️ things will get better. Reach out!- and friends, reach out to your new mom friends, they may need you too.

#MMHWeek2019