The first day of the rest of our lives

The first day of the rest of our lives was actually not the first day, just the first day we knew.

For months Josh and I had been discussing when we should start trying to have a baby. We would always feel good about it and then the next day chicken out. So I stayed on birth control. 

At the end of October Josh and I went to the Temple and prayed about having children. Afterwards Josh told me that he had felt a strong impression that we should start trying soon. I agreed and felt the same. But once again when it came down to it, I was too afraid to go off of birth control. 

Fast toward to 3.5 months later. I had been working at a new job for about a month now and it was really stressing me out. Everyday I would come home threatening to quit because the smell of the facility made me feel sick! (I was working at a nursing home so it kind of made sense). 

I remember being at my moms home and excitedly telling her that my birth control made it so I didn't even have periods anymore! How neither of us thought this was alarming I don't know haha 

Well one night I finally felt sick enough to take the day off of work. I googled my symptoms and the period thing. It said that, in fact, taking birth control regularly can make your periods disappear so I ruled out pregnancy from my mind. Still something told me that I should probably call the OB just to ask to get on a lighter dose. 

I felt better now since my nausea only lasted shortly after I woke up. I was looking forward to a day off of work without actually being sick anymore. I went in to go to the bathroom and literally right before I peed I thought, "maybe I should just take a pregnancy test just to be sure I'm not..." Quickly I pushed that thought away because I had taken them so many times before when I had felt sick and they were always negative, plus I was on birth control so I couldn't be pregnant! Ah but then it popped into my head again and I was just like "what the heck"!

I remember looking down at the stick as the little + - signs began to show up. I watched as I had so many times before waiting for it to come out -- like always so I could go on with my day. Then something weird started to happen... The "-" started to become a "+" and my heart literally began racing. "That can not be true! I must have peed on it wrong!" I picked it up and ran to take out the instruction sheet and started to compare the "positive" picture to what I was now holding in my hands. I was shaking by now but still sure that it couldn't be right. I started pacing around our apartment not knowing if I should cry yet. The only thing I could do is kneel down and pray that if I really did have a baby inside of me then she would be ok and healthy. Then I stood up and drove straight to Walgreens where I bought the most expensive kind of test- the kind that would read "pregnant" or "not pregnant".

I went home, taking it, honestly believing that it would come back "not pregnant". Everything I had heard about pregnancy always sounded so extreme. My mother was so sick all 9 months that she couldn't eat anything or she would throw it up. My friends complained of aches and pains early on in their pregnancies too. Surely if I was pregnant it would have felt different enough that I would have for sure known! I had always been prepared for the worst! 

I looked down at the test and there it was... "Pregnant" spelled at for me as clear as day. And I about passed out. I immediately began crying a kind of panicked, shocked, excited, happy, terrified, confused kind of cry I have never cried before then. I stood up and didn't know what to do next. I was so unprepared for this moment. 

I called the OB and left this confused frazzled message that probably made the nurses laugh when they listened to it. 

Then I texted my husband asking him when he would be home. This was the kind of thing I needed to tell him in person. And then I waited the 5 hours until he came home... Laying on our bed and starring at the wall. I felt outside of myself like I was just watching some movie of my life. 

Then he came home. My heart was pounding out of my chest as soon as I heard him open the door. Our lives were about to change. 

I found out in the following days that not only was I pregnant but that we conceived clear back in OCTOBER- putting me at 3 and a half months pregnant. 

We found this out when we went to the first ultrasound expecting to find a little jelly bean inside of me but instead found a little baby girl, with arms and legs and the whole deal. I burst into tears. I felt like the worst mother ever for neglecting her for so long. I always wanted to be so careful while pregnant. I wanted to be taking prenatal vitamins and eating healthy, and not taking any medicines. But now I felt I'd done the opposite and I felt so guilty and terrified. The nurse sat there hugging me for a good 20 mins telling me all the stories of worse situations than mine that turned out great- with perfectly healthy babies. I was so grateful for her words but still felt so bad. How could I not have known?! I was already in my second trimester! 

Well slowly this shock faded and gradually my fears turned into gratitude for not knowing for so long! In my mind my pregnancy only feels like 6 months and I skipped the worst of it! 

Looking back we couldn't have planned it better ourselves. Our little girl is coming in the summertime and I couldn't imagine life without her now. Gods timing is perfect. She's our angel who has already brought us so much joy and strength and purpose into our lives. We are so excited to meet her.